Friday, November 26, 2010

"Nice ass!" is one of those exclamations that is almost never employed sarcastically. Despite the fact that with many similar constructions, it can be a real toss up. "Nice hat!" can be hard to know how to take. But "Nice ass!" is pretty much always on the level.

Of course, the way it is employed can often intimidate and marginalize the recipient. Can leave her feeling depersonalized, as if her worth can be summed up in her nice ass, as if a human being's manifold beauty can be reduced to a cute booty.

Anyway. I think the real concern with me telling people "Nice ass!" is intent. If I know the woman to know how she'd likely take it, and I believe she's going to like hearing that from me, that's one thing. But if the only thing I know about a woman is the first thing I can see, and if I don't have the first notion how she'd take it when I yell that out, then I can't say my intent is good. My intent isn't good, if I do that. I'm not concerned with her at all. She's just an opportunity for me to offer to the world a loud declaration of heterosexuality.

Man. All this sexy typing always gets me kind of hot and bothered. Sorry.

Anyway, I don't have any basis to gauge your ass on merit, Ko'K'halla, but I will say that I feel pretty confident telling you just based on what I do know: your mind has a nice ass.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


The crazy thing is, this self-evidently must have been assembled by a Nic Cage fan.

I mean, I have no idea what any of these movies are. Not one.

Did Nic Cage not lose his shit in Moonstruck? Apparently, not enough to make the cut!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Scarlett Johansson's ass. Let me tell you something about Scarlett Johansson's ass! No wait, what the fuck.

Cancel that, what could I possibly say about Scarlett Johansson's ass but that people would assume that - heck, even the preamble in the first paragraph above in this comment, it has "Perv." - written all over it! And bitter irony of ironies, I'm (all my life, almost) primarily into older women. By which you can infer: I am no perv. I paid my dues. You have no idea how much older, or at least oldish, semi-decrepit...uh. Sorry, tangent.

Yet!! After all that time put in on the non-juvenile side of things, here I am at this late date and one slip of an almost-remark about some youthful actress's ostensibly-beautiful tush and here I am, tarred for life in the permanent record of the comments queue of the Vegetable Assassin!

Well, I guess there are worse fates.

Wait. No. I think you're mistaken, there V.A. ScarJo was not underage at the time of the making of that film. She was not. She was born...look, I'm not going to look it up, I'm not that invested and I have nothing to prove here!! I am not the one on the stand!! But I think you're mistaken. She had to have been greater than at least the age of technical majority. At that point. To say the least! I mean, Bill Murray. Come on. They practically kissed. Whatever you think about him after the recent disclosures, he's not going to...come on.

He's no perv.