Thursday, December 2, 2010

I hate laundry.

I looooove cream soda.

Kids aren't the generation that can change it all! They're just the generation that's going to be told they can change it all, and then 10 years later they'll look down along to the next set of kids and tell them hey, kids. You can change it all.

It's a sort of benevolent hazing ritual.


I just remembered what it was that first led me to stumble across your blog! It was your photography - and specifically, your glittering icicle shots!

I love your love of snow. How can people ever lose the joy of that! Just because they have to shovel it, or drive in it? So what! Adulthood's responsibilities bring far greater blessings than inconveniences. Why lose your joy in something wonderful, just because it carries with it a corresponding chore? Do these snow grinches lose their joy of food just because they have to cook it now?

Criminey Jickets. Of course, I may be the wrong one to offer perspective. I still play with my food to this day.

Friday, November 26, 2010

"Nice ass!" is one of those exclamations that is almost never employed sarcastically. Despite the fact that with many similar constructions, it can be a real toss up. "Nice hat!" can be hard to know how to take. But "Nice ass!" is pretty much always on the level.

Of course, the way it is employed can often intimidate and marginalize the recipient. Can leave her feeling depersonalized, as if her worth can be summed up in her nice ass, as if a human being's manifold beauty can be reduced to a cute booty.

Anyway. I think the real concern with me telling people "Nice ass!" is intent. If I know the woman to know how she'd likely take it, and I believe she's going to like hearing that from me, that's one thing. But if the only thing I know about a woman is the first thing I can see, and if I don't have the first notion how she'd take it when I yell that out, then I can't say my intent is good. My intent isn't good, if I do that. I'm not concerned with her at all. She's just an opportunity for me to offer to the world a loud declaration of heterosexuality.

Man. All this sexy typing always gets me kind of hot and bothered. Sorry.

Anyway, I don't have any basis to gauge your ass on merit, Ko'K'halla, but I will say that I feel pretty confident telling you just based on what I do know: your mind has a nice ass.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


The crazy thing is, this self-evidently must have been assembled by a Nic Cage fan.

I mean, I have no idea what any of these movies are. Not one.

Did Nic Cage not lose his shit in Moonstruck? Apparently, not enough to make the cut!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Scarlett Johansson's ass. Let me tell you something about Scarlett Johansson's ass! No wait, what the fuck.

Cancel that, what could I possibly say about Scarlett Johansson's ass but that people would assume that - heck, even the preamble in the first paragraph above in this comment, it has "Perv." - written all over it! And bitter irony of ironies, I'm (all my life, almost) primarily into older women. By which you can infer: I am no perv. I paid my dues. You have no idea how much older, or at least oldish, semi-decrepit...uh. Sorry, tangent.

Yet!! After all that time put in on the non-juvenile side of things, here I am at this late date and one slip of an almost-remark about some youthful actress's ostensibly-beautiful tush and here I am, tarred for life in the permanent record of the comments queue of the Vegetable Assassin!

Well, I guess there are worse fates.

Wait. No. I think you're mistaken, there V.A. ScarJo was not underage at the time of the making of that film. She was not. She was born...look, I'm not going to look it up, I'm not that invested and I have nothing to prove here!! I am not the one on the stand!! But I think you're mistaken. She had to have been greater than at least the age of technical majority. At that point. To say the least! I mean, Bill Murray. Come on. They practically kissed. Whatever you think about him after the recent disclosures, he's not going to...come on.

He's no perv.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

LOVE that kettle! Industrial, whimsical, it looks like it belongs as a prop in the kitchen workshop laboratory of Sad Scientist, a minor character in some fantastic adaptation of a beloved kids book wherein wizards wear business suits, black bears are policemen and poor Unicorn Duck Child dreams unhappy dreams of what he's going to have to do for a living when he grows up.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Although really, all of the other piggies besides #3 had no roast beef either. Still, I feel bad for #4, because at least all the others had their own thing going on.

What a disturbing nursery rhyme! It appears to be about a dismembered foot. How do all these toes go their separate ways like that? Grisly doings!

I'm sure there's some grim event at the heart of it, lost to us now, lost to time. Some psychopath lopping off toes, back in the days of hay wains and villagers, and this charming little bit of frippery was concocted to explain it away, reassure the kids about the sort of world in which they live. That's how all these nursery tales and nursery rhymes start: something very nasty at the center. Turn it all into a joke. Wee-wee-wee all the way home and everyone collapse into giggles!

That's all well and good, but I prefer the nursery tales with the grim moral lesson.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Ooooo I am never doing that. No sky-diving.

The only way I would ever do that is if I could tandem-jump with a tattoo artist who would tattoo a picture of us skydiving (while he tattoos me) onto my back.

See, that's how I chicken out of it. Because no tattoo artist is going to pull a stunt like that!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

When I think of God, I picture a big infinite alien being capable of holding every infinitesimal speck of rotating space dust, every fluctuating quantum state of quasi-particle blinking in and then out and then in, every past, present, and possible future state of every atom of every star of every galaxy in its mind at once, with full and relaxed concentration, simultaneously and forever.

It's monstrous. All I can say is: Thank God It's On America's Side.

And Canada! God doesn't draw these petty distinctions like we do.

On a more serious note, the marginalization-for-life of a human being to a purely domestic function is atrocious, but there's no denying the power of the iconography! The graphic designers knew their work, but how knowing were they at it?

Were they truly the self-aware, sinister architects of the patriarchy? "We must gild the shit deal we have inflicted upon these women, and lionize them for playing the role so well!"

Were they simply being pragmatic? "Somebody's got to cook and clean. Might as well make it seem enjoyable!"

Or did they perhaps, truly respect and uphold the role of housespouse? Is it possible that they were sincere and devout worshippers at the cute wife altar?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I wouldn't say that all holocaust deniers are racists. For example, every time some new age zen buddheseque type guy (always a guy btw) tells me reality doesn't exist - that it's an illusion - I am always able to get him to claim the holocaust never happened. There's really no way out of that trap.

Yet most people would not consider buddhists anti-semites!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Law & Order is the one where they keep making that noise, right?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My uterus is gone from me, alas. I only had the one uterus, and that, only for a time. Then I was expelled from it, never to return.

However I will say to those who claim a male will never know the agony of childbirth: BULL. Once was definitely enough for me! What a RUDE SHOCK that was!

I've tried to block it out since, but certain smells or certain remarks people make still bring it back to me in technicolor.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I think the people who say it's learned behavior are on to something. Beautiful people learn all their lives: special behavior. They learn to get it, they learn they deserve it, they learn to expect it.

And damn it, when I don't get it I'm PISSED!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

This is beautiful! It's beautiful. I keep coming back to it. I've read it three times through now, the last time aloud.

Randomly-generated poetry to put my slaved-upon works to shame. A design pattern, to think about profusely decorating the inner world instead. Futile attempts to absorb replicate only empty Proxy, Facade. Your boss told you to wonder about embarrassing (or worse, a flat tire) between sips of a martini.

Oh, man. What, then, can the point possibly be? In all of this, when machine outdoes man at whimsy! Can the ineffable be reduced, digested by equation, spat out as formula? Pattern. No good shall come of this, no, nor bad neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I feel kind of weird finding out this is your 'humor' blog. I thought you were just that funny. Turns out you were TRYING?

When disillusionment sets in, I turn to alcohol. Soak it for a few hours - it scrapes right back out again.

Anyway - congrats on the fetus! I don't blame you for letting some fetus action spill over from your baby-blog to this one. You can't become too compartmentalized!

Besides, nothing is funnier than a fetus.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I always love those pool joints that post up a sign of “House Rules” that are really just the normal rules but it's there to point the dummy to it.

I think a big ol Ye-Ol’-Style brass placard of some kind behind the bar would be incredibly useful. “NEAT = x. UP = y. STRAIGHT UP = z. TWIST IS A PEEL NOT A WEDGE!”

This would aid patron and barkeep alike.

Yes, I carry with me at all dinnertimes a laminated placard showing a photo of a steak cooked to each of the 7 degree of order (including raw and burnt).

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Guys, God's Jewish. Try bribe-bargaining with turkey sandwiches.

Seriously - try turkey. Don't go with corned beef on rye or hot pastrami or something - God'll give you the stinkeye for stereotyping.

Huh. I wonder if atheists have only four stages of grieving. Because who is there to bargain with?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Marketing scab snacks is a challenge - if you go for genuine (preferably organic) human scabs, you run afoul of opponents of borderline cannibalism and the CDC, with their claims that such human-derived products are too high-risk to contain human pathogens that animal products tend to lack. But if you go for an animal source, you find the flavor just isn't the same?

In terms of commonly-available animals, I've tested bovine-, porcine- and equine-source scabs (forget ovine - too much wool in the way) and I can tell you porcine is the best way to go. It's not the same, but it's got that great chewy crunch and a nice bacony flavor that some find even better, once you acquire the taste! Look for Uncle Pig's Pork Scab Snacks in the brown pouch, coming soon to a register-side impulse-buy display in a quality market near you.

Man. When I clicked to comment, I was going to tell you how gross you were. But I'm sure you'd've known: "kidding."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Well, it's an interesting question. I've not seen the movie, but I did see Watchmen and couldn't help but notice the preponderance of male ass (and other bits) on display - and the trend is definitely on display in other films. Now as a man, I have no problem with that - and as a feminist, I say the ratio has been running the other way for ever, so, perhaps this can be viewed as all part of a simple course correction?

But even if so, something must be causing it. What's causing it?

A very intriguing question indeed, Alissa.

I'll say this: whatever the cause, bully to the directors and filmmakers who put it all right out there, busting taboos as if "no big deal." It wasn't too long ago that a woman could be as naked as "the film called for" for as long as it called for, but if the film called for an onscreen penis, get ready for NC-17! And that's kind of dumb and wrong.

I'll admit, I suffer from some of the same bias. If I go to a movie and it's rated R for (among other things), 'nudity' - if all the nudity in there is male, I feel kind of exploited. But like I said: women have been feeling that for years! Time to step up and take my share, and I don't mind.


Monday, May 17, 2010

These are clearly nutritious! These look as nutritious to me as the top of a cumulous cloud, as the hard diamond glints scattered across a blueblack sea seen from the top of a cliff on a brilliant day. As nutritious as winter's first snow, or its spring melt, and the new grass peeking up.

The soul's nutritional needs are different.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Good point on Rushdie - not an American. But I think all great authors are American, in some sense - because they all aspire to our high ideals.

I think we have to give them at least some credit on that. We can afford to be at least a little magnanimous.

I've also been thinking of checking out Catcher In The Rye. I have never read it either.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Thank God. Although whoever that dude is, he looks a bit smaller than "Big G." Still, you never want to take a giant monster lightly, and I'm glad to see the authorities dealt with this one. They sure do love those power lines! Can't resist the appeal.

Man, I don't think any of us here on this side of whatever pond have a real appreciation for how much we owe Japan. For the fact that for whatever reason, Godzilla is pretty much a homebody. If that walking disaster took it into its pea-brained radioactive head to leave behind Tokyo and its environs, to travel around a bit more, to see the world, maybe decimate it a bit - what could we do? What could any of us do? We'd be helpless.

The Japanese have been taking hit after hit for the rest of us from this beast, pretty much thanklessly, for more than 50 years now. 50 years.

At some point, that payment is going to come due. Every time I'm driving up the PCH, I fully expect to see - out of the corner of my eye - that shape. Looming up from the waves, sea-water streaming from teeth trailing green, glowing steam. I fully expect to hear...that roar.

What can any of us do in the face of that prospect? I guess, for me...I just pretend it can't happen.

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Coca-Cola Corporation is a responsible partner in bringing you refreshment. The next time you feel a bit pequod, (peaked? peekud? peak ed?) PEKID! -


The Coca-Cola Corporation is a responsible partner in bringing you refreshment. Sure, other companies bring you fine, fizzy beverage options, but only the Coca-Cola Corporation brings you Coca-Cola: the Finest Surgary Corporate Beverage In The World. Whether you're cracking the cap on that classic glass bottle, twisting off the breaky-thread screw-off lid of the plastic bottle option, or popping the pull-pin on the ol' red aluminum hand grenade of flavor that is the iconic and formidable Can Of Coke Classic, you're sure to enjoy the taste sensation that for years has had millions fleeing their homes to seek it out wherever it hides: in movie theaters. In supermarkets. At your local top-brand fast-food restaurant. Or sometimes, just sitting there in a machine on a street corner.


CUT: At any upscale dining establishment - Lord, if you ask, and they don't have it, if they try to sell you something else? LEAVE. That's a sure sign of a shithole, restaurant-wise.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I'm going to make up spoof versions of these with pictures of human buttholes on them.

Okay, wait - that's more disgusting. But it's the disgust of outrage!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

@Lisa Daria - Kind of! Although, even a pure abstract often does have a "this way up for best effect" I think.

I'll try to desribe it better: Let's say we show two paintings, one pure abstraction, one photorealism, to an alien art critic who has never seen and would never recognize any of the objects depicted. The alien wouldn't even know sky from sea, because its alien world is not set up like that. But this alien is a respected, professional art critic on its own world! It has a great eye (three, actually) for compositional elements, effective use of harmony and dissonance, color contrast, negative space and figure, everything that goes into making a picture look great just as an arrangement of form and color in a frame. Our alien would judge both of these paintings as abstract pieces, and they would fail or succeed not on depiction, but on composition and execution alone.

On some level, I think its important for every painting to succeed on those pure form terms. I like to step back from a picture sometimes, and try to look at it just like that. The way a 3-eyed alien art critic would!

Wow. I have doubts as to whether that was "describing it better."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

That Point Of View

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